January has come and gone and I should have had my annual checks done by now. But as they say better late than never so I'm booked in for Thursday. As is always the case the lead up to these scans is a time of turmoil and sleeplessness for me.
Two years ago last November my doctor said the 4 words which changed my life forever. "You have breast cancer". Now every year I relive that moment over and over as I wait for the results of my latest tests and scans. It's incredibly hard all this waiting and wondering.
A lot of people say that it's important to be positive and I agree with them. I am positive. I know I am doing absolutely everything I can to give myself the best possible chance of beating this thing. But the reality is that nobody can know what will actually happen. So at this time of year all of my fears resurface and claim my attention for a while. Until my test results come in and are clear. And nobody who has had a cancer diagnosis themselves would ever dream of criticising me for this fear. For 48 weeks or so every year I put cancer out of my mind as best I can and just get on with the business of living. But at this time of year I allow myself to be human and feel. Not that I could stop it if I tried.
So what will I do if I get something other than the all clear this year? Well obviously I will fight it with everything I have. As I did before. And how will I feel about it? Well that's a different story. Crushed would perhaps come close to describing how I might feel. Even devastated. But more than anything I know I would be terrified. What haunts me is the spectre of how excruciatingly difficult cancer treatment is to live with. It strips away any semblance of normality and makes you look and feel sick. It takes away your anonymity and draws people's attention. It interferes with day to day life and also places a huge question mark over the future.
Two more sleepless nights and the scans will be done. Hopefully I will get some indication from the nurses on the day otherwise I have a further week to wait to get the results from my GP. As always this is a difficult time for me and for those close to me as they watch me struggle. Hopefully in a week or so I can go back to "normal" and get on with the business of just living again.
