Life is tough.
Everyone has a fight to fight or lessons to learn.
I have battled through some really difficult times in order to still be sitting here today. As have many (if not all) of my friends. I can't speak for anyone else. But for me, even though I have struggled too, life was never as tough as it is today. Not until cancer entered the equation. Cancer is the unknown, the mystery box. Even three and a half years post-diagnosis, after all the treatment and testing, I still can't relax. I thought I could but it turns out I can't. And probably never will.
The thing about being a cancer survivor is knowing that the journey is NEVER over. Every new ache or fresh symptom creates an alert and is followed by yet another battery of tests to make sure it's not caused by cancer. That's where I am again, in the middle of another bunch of tests and scans intended to rule out the big C.
You might think that all this testing and ruling out is a good thing. And perhaps in some ways it is, but more than anything it is physically and emotionally(and financially) exhausting. Nobody can really understand that unless they are on a similar journey. Don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful that most of my friends can't fully understand and I truly hope they never do.
Six weeks ago I was feeling very anxious in the lead up to my regular annual scans.I had nearly two weeks of feeling positive and relaxed after I saw my oncologist and then last week I saw my GP. Before I knew it I was having more blood taken and being booked into hospital for more tests.
These constant shifts back to anxiety are a form of torture I'm sure. I can't relax. I exist in a highly alert state ready to fight or flee at a moment's notice. I don't sleep well, waking at every tiny sound. I wake feeling fatigued. I go to bed feeling anxious. And like riding a roller coaster I get off feeling like a wrung out dish cloth.
Being diagnosed with cancer is just like hopping onto a roller coaster for life. And just like being on a roller coaster there are some times when I just close my eyes and pray to get off.
Not today though. Today I am continuing my fight, searching for answers and trying to make this day (and every single day that follows) count. I hope as you read this you don't think that I'm feeling sorry for myself in anyway, I'm not. Not at all. I AM feeling tired(exhausted), sore and afraid but also very grateful to be alive and able to feel tired, sore and afraid.
Love and light.
