Wow it's been almost a whole year since my last blog post. It's been a very long and very difficult year. And I haven't really dealt with it in a way I can be proud of. But I survived it and here I am out the other side and finally finding the right headspace to go forward with my journey.
So why was it such a hard year? Well for starters I miss my family and friends in the west. More than I ever imagined was possible. There is so much I took for granted over there that I simply don't have here. Some I will regain in time, but some I need to accept is firmly in the past. I need to accept that and move forward. That's a tough thing to do.
Also there is the ongoing challenge of settling in to a new home and hobby farm. There has been so much work done to make our life easier here but there is even more still to come. The constant battle to possum and beagle proof garden beds, getting the chicken pen finished and fixing fences for the goats. Sigh. So much work ahead and my energy reserves are very low.
But most significantly the past year has been difficult due to my ongoing cancer journey. Unless you've been through it, it's impossible to comprehend the amount of stress the need for constant vigilance causes. Last year I was tested for no less than six different types of cancer. That's an average of one every two months. And it's not just the testing that is a strain but even more so the waiting. Waiting for the tests to be done and then waiting for the results. Remember these tests are ordered in response to symptoms, not just because they seem like a good idea. Imagine you experience pain in your shin bones or shoulder blades? Your GP will probably tell you to try to rest them and see if the pain continues. Not me. I get tested for bone disease. Should you experience stomach upsets and bloating your GP might tell you to avoid certain foods and see how you feel. Not me, I am admitted to hospital to have biopsies taken under sedation. Irregular and painful cycle? Another trip to hospital for biopsies under general anaesthetic. Blood tests, bowel screening, more scans. The constant ups and downs are exhausting. Eventually my body decided to stay in a heightened state of alert rather than ride the rollercoaster. Bam! Adrenal fatigue.
So why am I finally writing a blog post now? Why tonight? A few reasons really, but one main reason. Today was scan day. And even though I was dreading what the doctors might find I came through with flying colours. Stunned but so relieved. I can't even begin to express how I feel tonight compared to this morning. And getting the good news was different today. Usually I consider it a win for another six months. But somehow today feels more final for me. I am actually starting to believe that maybe the monster might not eat me after all. That perhaps I am doing enough to stay out of it's reach. That it's time to start believing all my family and friends who tell me it's going to be ok. I am finally starting to believe that I'm a survivor! Or should that be a thriver?
Flipping cancer the bird!!!
