One of my favourite Australian authors, Sara Douglass, died from cancer in 2011 just a month before I started my cancer journey. Yesterday I came across a piece she wrote about the pressure society puts on those who are terminally or chronically ill to make the best of it, think positive, keep smiling and other such platitudes. It's an issue I've wrestled with since my journey began. If you're interested in Sara's piece you can find it at
http://www.saradouglassworlds.com/the-silence-of-the-dying/
I hope you will take the time to read it.
There is a lot in the discussion that rings true to me. A line which really jumps out is "... too often, it is up to the sick and the dying to comfort the well and the un-dying". YES! It sounds bizarre but I've been there. I am still there to some degree.
I spent the almost 12 months of my cancer treatment with a fake smile pretty much glued in place. I let that smile slip once and it resulted in being unfriended and blocked on Facebook by a "friend" (one of my inner circle at the time). Nobody really wants to know the truth about how horrific cancer and it's treatment is. Even my oncologist said to me on more than one occasion "let me worry about the cancer, just get on with your life". As if I could forget what was happening and go back to normal.
And now that it seems as though I might be beating the awful odds I was initially given I'm not allowed to feel anxious anymore. Not allowed to be scared about the future. The reality is that the Big C could strike again at any time. Every six months when I stress about the upcoming scans and bloods I'm told not to worry, that everything will be okay, over and over. It makes me want to scream. Almost nobody wants to sit with me, even briefly, in my place of anxiety and fear. Because that's uncomfortable. But that's what I need.
Another point that Sara makes is: "People also don’t know how to help the sick and dying". This is very relevant just now as I try to determine how I can help a class mate from high school who has recently received a terminal diagnosis. I know what I needed from my friends and family when I was unwell. I needed practical help and honest conversations. I needed friends who were willing to let me speak the truth about how sucky my life had become. Whilst I did get that from some friends it wasn't always the case. The longer I was sick the more invisible I became and the more life receded. Some people stayed away because they were uncomfortable and then later there was the inevitable "but you know I was thinking about you all the time". Um no. No I don't know that at all.
The purpose of this post is to ask you all to step outside of your comfort zone for the sake of your chronically or terminally ill family or friends. While flowers may be lovely, a few hours of your time is absolutely invaluable. Cook and deliver a meal, pick up some groceries, take the kids for a few hours, clean the bathroom but more than anything else LISTEN and BE PRESENT.
