For the past 7 years I haven't looked at my glass as either half empty or half full. I've just been truly grateful to have a glass at all. Cancer did it's best to shatter my glass and grind the pieces into oblivion. I can honestly say that most days, the overwhelming majority of days, I'm just so grateful to be alive that I don't dwell on my health struggles. But rarely, on days like today, I question The Universe and all it has thrown at me.
Cancer treatments vanquished the evil that tried to take over my body but they left their henchmen behind to continually collect payment for it. Some days the payment involves chronic pain in my muscles and joints. Some days it's broken bones seemingly out of the blue. Anxiety attacks, depression, inexplicable anger, nerve pain flares and painful scars.
Today it's the fatigue. Overwhelming and suddenly extreme fatigue. I've lived with fatigue for the past 7 years and in a way I've become accustomed to it. But this morning when I got out of bed I was already exhausted. And tonight I am so exhausted that I can't control the tears. My muscles are shaking and everything hurts. Every single cell in my body is crying out for a break.
Now I am in no way a negative person and I mostly don't feel sorry for myself. But tonight I need to give myself permission to be angry at the hand I've been dealt. Tonight I'm asking The Universe "why me?" and "when can I expect to catch a break?". And I'm not going to feel guilty for thinking/feeling this way either. I've earned a good cry and maybe even a good scream. Hopefully it'll be cathartic and perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to pick myself up and continue to be thankful that I still have a glass at all.
