Four Weeks In

It's not yet four weeks since I was told that my absolute worst nightmare had become reality. Metastatic Bone Disease.

Week 1 was pretty much just shock, horror and an unexpected hospital stay. There was no time at all for processing what was going on. We actually felt that everything was happening around us and to us with no real input ourselves. Our heads were spinning and we couldn't tell up from down. If I'm honest I still feel that way at times.

Week 2 was mostly anger, denial and fear with daily hospital visits. It was a very busy week with lots of driving between hospital and home and lots of time in waiting rooms. We asked lots of questions like "how?" and "why?" but didn't really get any answers. It was a week of serious information overload, exhausting physically and mentally. I was given the first round of radiation therapy on my spine and the fatigue kicked in very quickly. I'm still fatigued now as I prepare for the next round of treatment. And we're still looking for answers.

Week 3 started with a long weekend here in Tassie which was really nice. Three whole days away from the hospital and finally a chance to do some bits and pieces around the home and farm - carefully of course! I helped cook a meal and watered my pot plants, everyday things I used to take for granted. We also got to see some of our extended family. Over the long weekend we did our best to not think about cancer - with mixed success.

The past week has been the hardest one yet. After reading/researching so much information in weeks 2 and 3 I now feel totally overloaded and overwhelmed. A friend recently asked me if I'd given any thought as to why this happened to me both 8 years ago and again now ... do I have any feeling for what may have caused/contributed to my having cancer? Of course I've given it thought ... a lot of thought. Perhaps far too much thought. So now I'm searching for ways to calm my mind and find some emotional and spiritual balance, to find some peace instead of turmoil.

Cancer has already taken so much from me and my family, I can't let it destroy my heart and soul too. So for the next little while I am going to try to focus on my mental well-being and on getting a good night's sleep. The questions will wait.

Fight For My Life

Just over eight years ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. I thought it was the end of the world. It was such a rude shock when life had just started to look the way I had always wanted it to. 

I'd already overcome some really serious challenges in my 42 years to date, big stuff like sexual assault, domestic violence, the death of a parent, a divorce, moving across the country several times, a second marriage, a massive emotional breakdown, severe recurring anxiety and depression, chronic insomnia, an almost second divorce and the loss of my first baby. Having overcome all of that I thought surely now it was time for some smooth sailing.

Here I was living in my home town of Perth, Western Australia. In The Swan Valley no less - wineries, cafes and a chocolate factory right at our doorstep! Happily reconciled with my second and forever husband, my best friend, the love of my life, communication between us at an all time high. A well adjusted 8 year old son at school with a close group of amazing friends around him. Retired from my career job in preparation for focusing on my beloved hobby with the hope of turning it into a successful home business. I was surrounded by the most amazing tribe of women friends and of course my mum, sister and other family members.

Unfortunately The Universe believed that I could deal with still more. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2011 and fought it hard for pretty much the whole next year. And at the end of the intensive treatment phase my husband and I started to put together a plan for how we could support our future health and lifestyle best going forward. 

In 2013 a plan was hatched to uproot our little family from suburbia and make a Tree Change. Our idea was to have a little land, some animals, space between us and the neighbours, to be able to grow some of our food and have a more peaceful life. As hubby works from home this was not a problem for his employment and so the search for our very own piece of paradise began in earnest. Fast forward to December 2013 and we packed up and moved to Tasmania where we have family on my husband's side.

It's a wonderful life. We have the peace and serenity we were searching for. I look out any front window to see sweeping views of Mt Wellington and the surrounding hills and valleys. We have goats, chickens and our two dogs. Our home is comfortable not flash like the last one. We truly feel at home here. (If you are interested you can check out the farm on Facebook at CallMeFarmerJane). It really is our dream come true.

Here comes the real kicker folks.  

Two years ago I started experiencing really severe lower back pain. Having already been diagnosed with osteoporosis due to a broken toe and a broken foot I was x-rayed to see whether I had somehow damaged my back. The x-ray showed an "unknown mass" in the L4 vertebra region. Of course I was already under the care of an oncologist here in Tassie for regular check-ups (to monitor my wellness) so she sent me for an urgent MRI to determine what the mass might be. A few days later she informed me that "it's just a broken back". Yes I laughed - I even attempted a happy dance - a fractured L4. I can deal with that!

That was May 2018. Since then I've done everything possible to help my back heal. Physio, careful exercise, reducing my workload on the hobby farm ... to no avail. 

Two weeks ago on Monday, I finally went back to my GP in tears begging for better pain relief. In the past 12 months the pain had escalated from my lower back to my right shoulder, left ribs and upper back also spreading to my right hip and thigh. My GP was concerned at my mental state (desperate) as well as the lack of any strength in the right side of my body. On Tuesday I had my ribs x-rayed and a CT scan of my spine. Follow-up with GP booked for the next week. However on Thursday I received a call from the receptionist asking me to come in the next day (Friday) just before lunch. 

The news was beyond a shock. Metastatic Bone Disease. Just over a week ago at midday I was told I have cancer in my bones. Two masses on my lower spine and one each on two ribs. By 2:30pm I was on my way to the emergency department at the hospital on orders from my oncologist where they gave me an urgent MRI and unexpectedly admitted me to the oncology ward. I stayed there for 5 days and had many more tests and scans while the doctors and nurses tried to stabilise my spine and get my pain under control. Further tests showed additional metastases throughout my body. I'm riddled with cancer. There's currently no  mainstream cure available. Treatment involves shrinking the tumours if possible and keeping my pain controlled, giving me the best quality of life for as long as possible.

So that's brought you all up to date for now. Except for one thing.

I turned 50 in June and that's too young to give up.

I woke up today and decided that after 9 days of giving in to anger, despair, sadness and hopelessness enough is enough. I am NOT done. This is NOT the end of my story. I believe in dreams that come true.

So the real fight starts now. Give me all the information I can get my hands on, give me traditional treatments, alternate therapies, cures in the pipeline, give it all to me and I'm going to fight as hard as I can for as long as I can. I have too much to live for and absolutely no reason to sit back and let this happen.

This is the fight for my life.