Four Weeks In

It's not yet four weeks since I was told that my absolute worst nightmare had become reality. Metastatic Bone Disease.

Week 1 was pretty much just shock, horror and an unexpected hospital stay. There was no time at all for processing what was going on. We actually felt that everything was happening around us and to us with no real input ourselves. Our heads were spinning and we couldn't tell up from down. If I'm honest I still feel that way at times.

Week 2 was mostly anger, denial and fear with daily hospital visits. It was a very busy week with lots of driving between hospital and home and lots of time in waiting rooms. We asked lots of questions like "how?" and "why?" but didn't really get any answers. It was a week of serious information overload, exhausting physically and mentally. I was given the first round of radiation therapy on my spine and the fatigue kicked in very quickly. I'm still fatigued now as I prepare for the next round of treatment. And we're still looking for answers.

Week 3 started with a long weekend here in Tassie which was really nice. Three whole days away from the hospital and finally a chance to do some bits and pieces around the home and farm - carefully of course! I helped cook a meal and watered my pot plants, everyday things I used to take for granted. We also got to see some of our extended family. Over the long weekend we did our best to not think about cancer - with mixed success.

The past week has been the hardest one yet. After reading/researching so much information in weeks 2 and 3 I now feel totally overloaded and overwhelmed. A friend recently asked me if I'd given any thought as to why this happened to me both 8 years ago and again now ... do I have any feeling for what may have caused/contributed to my having cancer? Of course I've given it thought ... a lot of thought. Perhaps far too much thought. So now I'm searching for ways to calm my mind and find some emotional and spiritual balance, to find some peace instead of turmoil.

Cancer has already taken so much from me and my family, I can't let it destroy my heart and soul too. So for the next little while I am going to try to focus on my mental well-being and on getting a good night's sleep. The questions will wait.