What I Miss Most.

What do I miss the most since cancer and covid changed the shape of my world? It's not the occasional lamb chop and my morning coffee or even dark chocolate from Coal River Farm. Not freshly baked bread hot out of the oven with butter melting into it. Nor hanging out with the goats and digging in my garden, I miss those things a lot but not more than anything else.

More than anything I miss getting up at stupid o'clock (really!!) to be out the door before 6:30am and driving over to pick up our beautiful grand daughter Phillipa Grace. I miss the excitement on her face when she sees "Grammy" walk in the door. I miss buckling her into her car seat and adjusting the headrest mirror so that I can see her as I drive and she can see me too. I miss putting nursery rhymes on the car stereo and singing all the way back home with Pippa joining in occasionally. I miss watching her do all the actions to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, we'd sing that one a few times, same with Sing A Rainbow and Galumph Went The Little Green Frog.

I miss getting her out of her car seat and handing her to "Grandad" who always came out to the garage to greet us and her grin at seeing him. I miss gathering up the baby bag and toys and following them inside to prepare breakfast for our little Miss while Grandad took her for a tour of the lounge and office checking everything out. I miss securing her in the highchair and sitting with her, drinking my coffee (thanks Grandad), while she ate some of her breakfast and tried to throw the rest over the side to our beagle. Archer wouldn't move from his spot next to her while there was still food on the tray! I miss wiping messy little fingers and a food smeared face.

I really miss sitting and reading books together: Old MacDonald; There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly; Winnie The Pooh; My Book Of Colours. I miss the noisy toys and the animal magnets that never stayed on the fridge. I even miss the nappies and baby wrangling to keep her on the change table!!

I miss a sore shoulder from rocking her to sleep for 20 minutes and sometimes longer. I miss watching her sleeping, her face so relaxed and peaceful with her teddy clutched tightly to her chest. I miss the little noises through the baby monitor that warned us our rest time was at an end. The excitement on her face when I would put my head in the door to say hello and the way she would point at Winnie, Tigger, Piglet and Eyore wanting me to wind up the music mobile. 

I miss the long, busy, tiring days spent with Pippa and the opportunity to build a special relationship with the small girl who had her Grammy wrapped firmly around her tiny fingers from the moment I met her. I miss the cheeky little Miss who taught me that I was always meant to be a Grammy. All my life was leading up to this, to teaching my grandies how to cook and to grow things, doing messy crafts together and reading lots and lots and lots of books. Singing, dancing, laughing and loving. I wanted to be that person for Pippa and all the grand kids to follow, but cancer and covid are robbing me of the opportunity for all of that. I miss looking forward to the future filled with grand children and adventures.

I miss the innocence of life before cancer.