Enough!

I woke up this morning feeling fragile. I often feel somewhat fragile, constant pain can have that effect on a person. But when I got out of bed this morning, and ended up in a heap on the floor as my right leg collapsed, it only got worse. I have had ENOUGH of this god forsaken year and the "challenges" it has brought us.

CHALLENGES?  I have tried so damn hard to look at the things that have gone wrong this year as challenges but let's be honest for a minute and call it as it really is. Metastatic breast cancer is not a challenge it's a death sentence! There is NO CURE just the uncertainty of how long it will take to kill me. The challenge is in trying to remain positive knowing that this disease has burrowed into my bones, has spread throughout my body and is just waiting for the chance to finish me off. The challenge is trying to live some kind of normal life while doing all the "things" that might help keep the beast at bay a little bit longer. Oral chemo is a challenge, three weeks of daily tablets during which time I slowly feel sicker and more fatigued. This followed by a week of no chemo, giving my body a chance to recover slightly in the hope my blood work shows I'm well enough to start another cycle of chemo and then repeat the process. I'm officially in remission now so another challenge is in not knowing how long these drugs will be able to keep me there.

I've had ENOUGH of putting on a brave face and smiling when all I really want to do is cry. I did cry this morning and ranted to Pete and got a lot of things out that I've been bottling up inside. I'm not going to apologise for being upset and angry and I'm not going to keep my feelings quiet so that everyone else can feel more comfortable. I'm angry and confused and very unsure about this journey and the steps I've taken to improve my odds in this fight for life. I don't just want to survive longer - I want to LIVE longer and I'm really not sure that's what I'm doing.

When I was first diagnosed in February I changed my diet completely. We've read so much research showing that consuming animal products will feed hormone positive breast cancer as would eating sugar and carbs. So I went vegan and gave up my beloved coffee, all sugar and all grains. More research followed and I stopped eating fruit because fructose is converted into glucose and glucose feeds cancer. Well I've had ENOUGH of all that too!! My blueberries and raspberries are fruiting right now and I'm going to enjoy them! Yesterday I drove myself crazy craving a piece of cheese. Last night I just wanted a single piece of chocolate.

Another lovely surprise this year had for us was Pete's Myeloma diagnosis in July. Because my illness wasn't ENOUGH for us to be going on with. His stem cell transplant and recovery has meant that we didn't really "do" Christmas this year. We isolated from family and friends to protect him and in all honesty I am too exhausted after his stint in hospital to celebrate in the traditional ways anyway. No way am I up to cooking a full Christmas spread. So we stayed home alone, just Pete and I (and the dogs), and took some Christmas selfies with his chemo bald head for the photo album.

Well that's ENOUGH! There are only four more days left of this horrible, miserable year thankfully. 

This awful year has taken ENOUGH from me already: my health, my husband's health (and therefore my rock), my peace of mind, my sense of control, my optimism, my annual trip to Perth to visit family and friends and the ability to care for our granddaughter (oh don't even get me started on how devastated I was that my treatment shut down Grammy Daycare). I'm not prepared to surrender one more thing to this year and I'll be staying up until midnight on New Year's Eve just to make sure it truly ends.

ENOUGH!