Can I Please Stop? Just For A While.

I really want to stop. I know I can't but I want to.

I want to stop having my days and weeks dictated by cancer treatment and my life defined by fighting cancer. I know remission is an amazing achievement, and I do want to stay here as long as possible, but it's hard work. It's overwhelming and all consuming and leaves me little time or energy for living a life that I love.

I miss all day breakfast with Kylie. I miss bottomless cups of coffee with Loz. I miss sneaky visits from Dee squeezed into already busy trips. I miss having a beetroot latte with my sister before fruit and veg shopping together. I miss sitting at the kitchen table with friends for long and honest conversations. I miss their kids. I miss my mum.

The only person who really understands how depleted I am right now, how emotionally broken, is Pete. And he can't fix me. He loves me and holds me while I cry, he forgives me for getting unreasonably angry over stupid things. He tries to take away any practical burdens that he can and encourages me to be kind to myself. But he can't fix my dark mood and exhaustion.

I am unbelievably grateful to be in remission but I'm tired. 

I'm more tired than I can express or anyone can possibly comprehend. I'm tired from cancer treatment, from the side effects and complications, from pain and insomnia. I really want to stop and rest but I know I can't.  

I'm just so very tired.