Self worth

When I look back I can fully understand why I have always had trouble with confidence and self esteem. And I can also see how different my teens, twenties and even my thirties would have been had I been able to trust in my own worth. How much hurt might have been avoided.

I remember there was a time that I was comfortable with who I was. I liked myself. I was doing reasonably well at school and enjoying jazz ballet and modern dance. I considered myself pretty enough and at age 14 that was important. I had some amazing friends and there were no major dramas at home.

But then something happened that changed everything for me. A massive betrayal. Something that I kept secret, not telling anyone about it for 15 years because I was made to feel that I was to blame. I felt ashamed.  I never told my family about it because I thought they would look at me differently, that it would change our relationships, or worse they would also blame me. And I certainly never told my friends, even those closest to me.

From that day forward my opinion of myself declined. I began to accept behaviour towards myself that I should have rejected. I allowed the hurt that the following 6 years dished up, and even believed that I didn't deserve any better. In fact for more than 25 years I allowed myself to be treated poorly.

Are you wondering why nobody stepped up to help me? Surely they could see my hurt, my saddness and self loathing? Well no actually, that was when I realised that I was very good at convincing everyone around me that I was ok. Everyone saw my bright dazzling smile, and that seemed proof to them that all was ok. Sadly that continued right up until my breakdown. A perfect example of how well I had everyone fooled was a comment made by a lovely friend on seeing my 40th birthday glamour photos "I don't think you can fake this kind of happiness" and that was mere months before I crashed.

What would I tell my 14 year old self if I could? To expect to be treated with love and kindness because she deserves it. To walk away from anyone who doesn't do so. To ask for what she wants and needs. Ask for help. Demand respect. To realise that she is a beautiful, kind and worthwhile person. That when someone hurts you it is NOT a reflection on you but on them!!

What would I like you to take away from this post?  Well if you are the one struggling then I urge you to reach out. Admit your pain to those who love you and ask for help. And if you're in a good place then please look closely at those around you who appear to be fine. Look past the bright smiles and cheerful facade to see if behind the mask is a scared, hurt and isolated soul silently screaming for help.